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V of the D

(AP Photo/Aaron Favila)

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. If you’re single, this probably is just another day for you or at least the day you’ll bemoan seeing googly-eyed couples everywhere so much that you could swear you’d puke for days. If you’re in a relationship, you envision this day with your partner showing up with a teddy bear, flowers, fancy chocolates, and taking you out for a romantic, candlelit dinner.

While Valentine’s Day has earned a cheesy rap over the years (*cough* commercialization, *cough*), we all know that Valentine’s Day sex is the best part of this holiday.

Yes. SEX. There. I said it.

You see, Valentine’s Day isn’t just about love anymore. It’s about sex. Valentine’s Day sex is something sexually active people in relationships often take to mean “better than the usual sex” kind of sex.

Think about it: Name a holiday that feels more sexually charged than Valentine’s Day? This is why you visit the waxer and have your triple canopy jungle yanked out, put on your best underwear, spray on seductive perfume, and gussy up to look better than you usually do. We scrub more thoroughly, in those places which we don’t usually pay more than cursory attention to, since those parts aren’t on display like heads are.

We make the effort to buy nice gifts, flowers, sweets, and even make dinner reservations at a fancy restaurant. On top of it being a traditional romantic expectation, we perform all these tasks in the hopes of joining hundreds of other couples in the annual “Payanig sa Pasig” and Fifty Shades the hell out of them.

Ew. I cannot believe I just said Fifty Shades the hell out of them. Moving on: Yes, sex is the best part of Valentine’s Day. Woody Allen once said that sex is the most fun one can have without actually laughing.

However, sex ceases to be fun if one has it irresponsibly. The last thing you want is to get someone swollen with the pollen if neither of you are ready for it (don’t drag an innocent baby into your mess, people). There’s also VD—venereal disease—which is never sexy.

Kindly abide by the “no glove, no love” rule unless you are sincerely trying to procreate and have prepared yourselves and your lives for a blessed event that you will have to love, too, and raise to adulthood. Safe sex practices will also keep from getting and spreading diseases that are preventable. Thank you.

Now, let’s discuss some Valentine’s Day etiquette I’ve picked up in all the years I’ve celebrated it.

Do took presentable and even more handsome or beautiful than usual for your partner or date. This applies to all people, of whatever gender, gender preference, or sexual identity. This is the day where lovers get noticed the most. If you’re out celebrating your love for someone, dress accordingly—you really should clean up nice.

Ladies, if you don’t know what to wear, let me tell you this. Men understand anything with a waist. When in doubt, find the most waist-flattering dress and you’ve already won half the battle.

Men, kindly always strive to look neat and smell good. Most women like their men neatly groomed with a fresh splash of manly perfume—or that slight scent of soap and clean, masculinity (no, I don’t mean stale armpit sweat). If your lady likes you scruffy, just spiff it up a little bit. Get rid of unnecessary hair. The importance of good underwear cannot be underscored enough, either. No holes other than the ones designed for your legs and manly dangles, please.

Arrive on time and leave work or any troubles behind. You have all year to discuss what’s bothering you or to complain about something. That’s not for a Valentine’s Day date because complaints are so darned unromantic. Enjoy each other’s company and make the best of it. Be light, playful, charming even—but keep it classy.

While we make all this effort for Valentine’s Day, love should be celebrated all year round. The day just highlights it. Use this occasion to remind your partner why he/she chose you. You will both have good and bad days, take advantage of this to show them you were and still are the right choice.

(AP Photo/Bullit Marquez)

There are also things you should NOT do: Don’t complain if your partner failed to make plans or made plans too late that you end up in less romantic venues. What matters is you’re both together. If you guys are scrambling to find someplace to eat, consider it part of the fun—exploration can be fun. Just relax and enjoy.

As much as you’d like to seduce your partner, sensuality is key. Please do not dress scandalously, especially in malls. There will be children present. ¡Que horror! Leave the scandalously seductive ensemble within the corners of your bedroom or in the hotel room, if you managed to book one.

Speaking of seduction, while high heels are seductive, please choose shoes you can walk in for long distances. There’s nothing more of a buzz kill for the both of you than heels that will impinge on your mobility and comfort.

If your partner fails to get you a gift, don’t fret. If you got him or her a gift, he or she is likely to do the same, even if they give it to you a few days late. If they want to surprise you, you won’t get it on the same day—and V Day is a day before payday most of the time, so there is that. If he or she asks what you want, go ahead and tell them—and be honest, but considerate. It doesn’t have to be a surprise. It has to be something that will make you reasonably happy.

Oh, and while Valentine’s Day comes with the expectation of great sex, sexual activity and intercourse are NOT a must. Don’t feel pressured to give it, or pressure anyone to give it to you. That is rude, unromantic, creepy and, in some cases, illegal. So don’t be an ass and insist on something your date may not want to give.

Those who will be getting the V and D on Valentine’s Day, do so responsibly so you don’t catch VD. Because spreading the love does not include spreading germs.

Now that I’ve got all of that covered, I wish you all a happy Valentine’s Day! G

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