“I envy all of them.” I greatly pitied myself for just observing what was happening around me. Sitting up straight in my bed, I saw from my window, a bunch of kids playing with a ball outside the hospital. I saw them kicking and dribbling the ball as if they were playing two sports at the same time. It seemed so much fun. As for me, I had been left alone for a couple of years, just hoping to recover.
I was born with a weak heart. Due to my condition, it’s like my entire life was spent here in the hospital. Staring at the same ceiling as I woke up every single morning that came, endless and continuous beeping sounds from the patient monitor as cables and electrodes were attached to my body, and I, wearing the same old clothes every day. It’s as if I lived just to survive.
Beep-beep-beep
However, the beeping sounds from the patient monitor comforted me. It made me think that I was still living. Knowing that the day of my end could come anytime soon, I was grateful that something still told me that I was still alive, as if there was still hope for me in this lonely world of mine.
Hmm?
I noticed that dark clouds almost covered the entire sky. Curious, I moved slightly from my left to look at the children playing outside. I saw them leaving together, covering their heads as raindrops started to fall.
“Is it about to rain?” I said, curiously looking at the sky.
Then, as I was staring and wondering how the clouds had just turned dark, the door opened, and someone with long black hair and a nurse outfit entered my room. The creaking sound from the door annoyed me, as if the rhythm of the patient monitor was just disturbed. I could already tell who just entered, based on how it was disturbed. It was Marga the nurse who cared for me almost my entire life.
“Uh… Hello… Emily. Here’s your food. You should—” said the nurse, interrupted by me.
“Just place it on the over–bed table. I’ll eat it later.” I said lifelessly while still looking at the dark, cloudy, soon-to-rain sky.
“Okay then…” the nurse said, nodding and holding her head down as she quietly closed the door.
I didn’t hold a grudge against Marga. Sometimes I felt bad whenever I acted harshly around her, knowing she had nothing to do with what’s happening to me. But I just couldn’t help it. I was chained below the depths of my thoughts, suffering as I wish I could live the life others had. I even went overboard when we talked about the kids playing outside. I let out all my envy, anger, and distress to her face. She was shocked as it was the first time she had seen someone do that in front of her. I couldn’t tell if she was scared or just shocked by what was happening, but even with those hours of shouting and crying, she never left my side, even a for fraction of a second. Since then, she had become more careful towards me. Careful about how she gave me the food I should eat. Careful about how she helped me clean my body. Careful about the things she said around me. Maybe she got scared or cautious as she hoped she wouldn’t ever trigger what just happened back then ever again.
Now that I remember it, I slowly turned my head and looked at the door, checking if she was still there. However, as soon as I looked at the door, she wasn’t there anymore. I never had the chance to properly apologize to her for what happened. The thought that I should apologize always lingered in my mind.
Alone with my thoughts again, I comfortably lay on my back on my bed as I look at the ceiling. I’m sick of looking at the ceiling over and over again. However, I decided to close my eyes and just listened to the non-stop beeping of the patient monitor. As I think of it, I had never actually listened to music. What music might be similar to the beat of the patient monitor? Since I had lived in the hospital my entire life, I had never seen people sing or play instruments. I had never owned a phone either. However, I sometimes heard some music playing whenever someone who worked in this hospital took a break near my room. I wondered what’s popular among people? I should try and check some out.
As I wondered, I took the nurse call button and called a nurse. I thought I should borrow something that could play music.
Beep!
The nurse call button made a similar sound as the patient monitor. Then, I wondered if the sound from the button could be music as well. So, I repeatedly pressed it as if I was making music.
Beep-beep-beep–beep–beep!
In the nurses’ station, my room was repeatedly blinking on the control panel, where they could see who among the patients was calling. The nurses panicked as they thought something might have happened in my room.
“Marga! Marga!” The head nurse called.
At that time, Marga was thinking of ways to help Emily eat her food. “W—What? What happened?” said Marga as she wondered what was happening.
“Your patient is calling! Go there quickly! Something might have happened!” said the other nurse.
“Yes, Ma’am!” said Marga.
I didn’t know it would cause such panic back in the nurses’ station. It slipped my mind that the button was supposed to call a nurse after learning that its sound was similar to the patient monitor. So, I couldn’t help but play with it as if I were making music.
After a moment had passed, Marga suddenly barged into my room and checked if everything was okay.
“Emily! Are you alright?!” said Marga, panicking.
Innocent as I looked, I didn’t know why Marga panicked as she entered the room. Trying to catch some breath, her sudden barge into my room made me sit up straight, leaving me surprised. My weak heart almost couldn’t take it.
“I said Y—Yes…Why did you—”,surprised while she also interrupted me. “So, are you okay then?!” shouted Marga. “Yes…” I was panting. Then, I slowly returned to my composed self. “Do you need something? You were calling…” to asked Marga, panting and returning her composed self, too. “Could I borrow something that can play music?” Marga wondered for a second what I meant by that. Maybe she thought I meant something like a musical instrument rather than something that could stream music. “You mean like, uh…” said Marga. “Like your phone,” I said, unaware of the confusion within herself because of how I asked her.
“Sure… I’ll be right back…” said Marga quietly. However, before leaving the room, she looked at the food she served for me earlier, noticing that it was untouched. Marga let out a deep sigh and left the room. Thinking about it, I should’ve apologized to her already before she left the room. I thought I would do it after she would come back.
I lay my back again comfortably on my bed, staring at the ceiling again. Then, the tiny little raindrops that were falling earlier were now getting stronger. I looked outside and noticed my window getting drenched in rain. I almost couldn’t see what was outside as fog was also building up.
“It’s raining.” I said as firm taps of rain on the window echoed through the whole room.
A few moments after Marga left, the door opened again, but this time, I could tell that the door was opened differently than how Marga did it. Somebody else, instead of her, entered my room.
My head quickly looked at the door as if I were curious about who had just come inside. “Who is it?” I covered my body with the bed’s blanket. It was my mother who entered the room, holding a phone that seemed like she was about to lend it to me. “Emily, I came across the nurse assigned to you. You were about to borrow a phone?” asked my mother. I shook my head when I saw my mother. No… No… No! No! No! I hid my whole body under the blanket, avoiding her touch and gaze. I was stunned as if someone with trauma had just stumbled on its cause. I found myself trembling, and some memories that haunted me came back.
My parents never really saw me as their daughter. Since I was born with a weak heart, they never paid much attention to me. They put me in a hospital and left me there without support or love. It’s as if they discarded me, just like a good-for-nothing, useless person. I tolerated most of their behaviors until that one night three years ago. It was dark, gloomy, and dead as if the only thing moving was the tears flowing down my cheeks. They left me all alone during Christmas. Isn’t Christmas all about family gatherings? Why was I left alone, shivering in the cold while waiting for them to come? But, in the past few years, they made an effort to go and spend Christmas with me. However, I noticed they were slowly getting bored and only visited for an hour as if it were a chore. As I expected, it turned out to be my worst nightmare. I was no longer part of the family.
That night, I raged and threw things around the room. I was also screaming in pain as I cried loudly that night. The nurses and doctors were listening behind the door, not knowing what to do. However, I heard Marga tell them off, even with my loud cry.
“What are you doing?! Shouldn’t you comfort your patients?!” shouted Marga, leaving them surprised.
Marga entered the room, worried about my condition. She did her best to calm me down. She also comforted me and stayed by my side that whole night. That was also after I made a scene in front of her back then.
Now that my mother was here after all those years, I couldn’t help but face her with the grudge I was holding against my whole family. She sat beside my bed, made herself comfortable, and gently put her bag on the floor.
“You’re not eating your food. How come you expect to recover when you’re not even eating your meals?” said my mother. “Here’s the phone you borrowed, by the way,” she added.
I kept silent as I was still hidden under the blanket while she threw the phone near my pillow.
“Can you take that off already?!” said my mother, dragging the blanket off me.
Without the blanket, I fixed myself up and sat comfortably on my bed. I looked again outside my window, and thunder began to growl and pounded both my ears. The thunder scared me, so I took the phone and played some piano pieces from the phone. It was Sergei Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2 in C Minor, Op.18: 2 Adagio Sostenuto. Knowing that I was unfamiliar with music, I randomly picked that from the list when I searched for piano pieces.
“Ignoring me, huh?” said my mother. Then, my mother took the over-bed table and rolled it towards me.
“You should eat,” she added as she looked at me. I ignored her again and just looked outside the window while listening to the music I played on the phone.
My mother took some bread from the food Marga served and raised it in front of my face as if she were telling me to take it and eat it.
“Take it,” said my mother.
I slightly moved to my right as if I seemed like I was avoiding her. I still kept silent and refused to talk to her.
Nerves started to show on her forehead, “I said take it!” she shouted out loud. I continued ignoring her.
“I swear to God, take it already!” said my mother, shoving the bread in my mouth.
I firmly resisted. “S—Stop it!” I shouted. I swung my left arm as if I was pushing her away, but I ended up pushing the over-bed table instead.
Doctors, nurses, patients, and people outside heard a loud thud coming from my room. My mother was filled with rage after realizing that her daughter just shoved her away.
“My own daughter did that to me?! To me?! Your mother?!” shouted my mother, furious.
“Am I even your daughter?! You left me here all these years rotting alone, and now, you’re calling me your daughter?!” I shouted back.
“That’s why you were cursed with a weak heart! You don’t even love your own mother!” my mother shouted, stomping her feet on the floor.
“How can I love someone who doesn’t even love me?!” I argued back.
My mother, however, unexpectedly shut her mouth and looked at me, furious, as if I committed a grave sin.
“Answer me!” I shouted repeatedly. I held my head as if I was crushing my skull. I couldn’t believe she just called me her daughter while she couldn’t even answer what I asked her.
“You won’t be able to love with that weak heart of yours.” said my mother in a soft and mellow way.
Even though the way she said it was soft and mellow, it felt dead, as if she merely pitied me. She took her bag from the floor and shook off specks of dust from her clothes. The sound of her heels echoed throughout the whole room as she walked towards the exit. As soon as she opened the door, people outside were trying to hear or see what was happening behind the door. She looked down and just walked away as if nothing had happened.
I was in tears again. My heart was pounding so fast as I placed my hand on my chest to feel it. I lay down on my bed on my stomach and took my pillow, covering my ears with it. I could still hear the music playing and the continuous, rapid beeping of the patient monitor due to what just happened.
I didn’t ask to be born this way. I just wanted to live the same as everybody else. But I wonder, why can’t I be as capable as a healthy one? Why can’t I live the same as a healthy one? If what my mother said was true… Won’t a weak heart also love the same as a healthy one?
Louder thunder pounded my ears, and stronger taps of rain continued to drench the window. The feeling I felt was almost the same as during that Christmas night three years ago. Although now, it was much stronger. My heart beat fast without slowing down. Even the beeping from the patient monitor was fast.
“What now?” I said faintly as I slowly closed my eyes.
Then, after a few moments had passed, everything seemed silent. I could no longer hear the growling thunder from a distance. I could no longer hear the rain pouring on the window. However, I could still hear the music playing on the phone. I took the pillow from my head and sat down to check everything out. Everything seemed so slow as if everything was in slow motion. Even the patient monitor seemed to stop. So, I removed the cables and electrodes attached to my body. I stood up and couldn’t even feel something that bothered me. I looked at the phone playing the piano piece I randomly chose earlier. It stopped at exactly 7:40, but the music was still playing. It felt unreal. Unreal, as if I was dreaming.
I walked towards the door. I took a peek and checked if the same was happening outside. It turned out that it was not happening just within the walls of my room. The people seemed blurry. You couldn’t even tell who the people were because they looked blurry. So, I slowly walked out of the room. Cautious about what I should do next.
“What’s happening…?” I asked myself. Outside the hospital, I couldn’t help but look outside curiously.
I walked towards the exit and couldn’t help but stare at the sky in awe. The sky emitted rays of golden light, and the clouds seemed to hold them back as if they were about to explode. I ran towards the center of the road and looked at the rain falling on me. Every drop of rain seemed slow and was colored golden. The music playing on the phone was as if it served as background music of what was happening around me. The piano piece actually nailed it. With the music and the golden sky, everything seemed perfect.
If I could be free, I wish this would be my destination. However, shouldn’t I be free already? Everything seemed so strange, like I was in a perfect dream.
A few moments passed, and the music stopped as it seemed to reach its end. Then, I suddenly flew back to my room as soon as it ended, as if a magnet was pulling me back. I couldn’t see anything, as if my eyes were closed. Going back, I can hear the beeping patient monitor again as I slowly tried opening my eyes.
“Emily! You’re finally awake!” shouted Marga, crying as she hugged me tightly.
Was it a dream? I woke up, but everything around my room still seemed messy. It was something else, wasn’t it? I sometimes felt like Marga was the parent I had all this time instead of my mother.
Remembering that I should’ve apologized earlier, I finally took the chance. “I’m sorry.” I faintly said. She hugged me tightly with no response. I slowly hugged her back by gently wrapping my arms around her. It felt soft and warm. However, it made me understand what happened earlier. I was dead just minutes ago. Everything that happened earlier felt strange and unreal if I did come back from being dead, but I couldn’t help but think that death was the freedom I was looking for.
