Odessa accepted the fact that the Metro Manila she had known thirty years ago was now a mere memory. Seated inside an old van that barely moved beyond 20 kilometers per hour, Odessa stared at the promenade that was now unfamiliar. She imagined the array of coconut trees that had framed the bay against the setting sun decades past, and beneath their canopies the couples who strolled. Either strong typhoons had felled some of the trees or the trees had insidiously withered from neglect, Odessa could only surmise. Clusters of buildings that sprouted like wild grass and islands built on reclaimed land altered the landscape that Odessa found difficult to reconcile with the images of her recollection.
From Manila Hotel where she had checked in the night before, the van inched through the heavy traffic of cars, buses, motorcycles. Recognizing Odessa’s expertise on single nucleotide polymorphisms, a group of molecular biology PhD students had invited her to deliver a lecture at the National University. Odessa accepted the invitation without any reservation despite the short notice and the long-haul flight from Italy she had to endure. The timing of the lecture was opportune; it coincided with their college reunion several days after the lecture. It was her chance to finally attend their class gathering after declining for so many years, her tight schedule in a human genome center in Milan where she had been working for two decades being her yearly excuse.
Her closest friend back in her university days, Nina, had sent her an email, prodding her to attend the event as it would mark their 30th year since their graduation. Odessa looked forward to seeing Nina again. Nina had been a campus celebrity every girl in school was in awe of, endowed with long limbs, a face smaller than an average hand’s width, a trim waist, and hips so wide it was often alluded to as ideal for childbirth, the latter trait a presage to her fecundity. Odessa still wondered why Nina had gravitated towards her rather than young women of her own stature, when Odessa had nothing remarkable in her facial features or body. What made Odessa stand out from the rest of the class were her study habits so rigorous that she became a habitué at the library and ate only to dispel growls in her belly before meals. No one came close to her grades at the end of each semester. And no one knew the underlying reason she studied with unabated ardor that bordered on desperation: to maintain her full scholarship that she and her single mother counted on. Her mother took on several odd jobs just to get by, even selling different wares from plastic ware to cosmetics to lingerie.
As the van continued to crawl on the street, Odessa placed her manicured hands on top of the leather hobo bag she bought in Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II. The bag’s color reminded her of tsokolate de batirol she had drunk every Sunday morning as a girl, the bag’s intrecciato weave never failing to elicit from her the image of a banig she lay down on during siestas in their small house. She caught her reflection on the rearview mirror, and wondered whether Nina would still recognize her. The hair she used to tie in a tight ponytail she now styled into a blunt chin-length bob, emphasizing her gamine face. Her myopic eyes, hidden behind thick-rimmed glasses she wore from grade school onwards, had been corrected by LASIK surgery five years before. Despite the demands in the human genome center, Odessa took the time to look put-together, instead of letting herself go.
In the same email, Nina asked Odessa if everything was fine, how she was holding up months after learning about Miguel’s death. Nina asked her if they could meet up for coffee after their reunion. Nina told her that since her four children had already completed their schooling, her time became more flexible, the need to meet the monthly household expenses no longer as pressing as the previous years. Odessa gave a perfunctory response; she told Nina that she looked forward to their coffee date.
When the van slowed to a full stop before an intersection, Odessa looked outside the window and saw the familiar façade of a building where a small café on the ground floor she remembered had stood before. In its place was a 24-hour convenience store, less than 50 meters away from a high-rise condominium, a public high school, and a hospital. Gone were the chairs and tables that Odessa recalled had always been outside, where customers would prefer to sit during the golden hour of the day when the sun would descend slowly upon the bay. Odessa felt her jaw tighten and her shoulders tense as she gazed at the invisible café where she had once experienced the biblical fullness of joy on an ordinary day, and where months later, a sense of disquietude followed by unexpected rage.
Odessa recalled that singular day when she felt herself deviate from her character, the precursor of eventful days yet to come: the night before their final exam preceding their college graduation. The library had already closed by six in the afternoon, but Odessa had still wanted to stretch her studying a few hours more. She sat in a quiet corner of the nearby café that was almost empty since everybody sat outside to catch the famed sunset by the bay. She rarely hung out in cafés like this but the bottomless brewed coffee this café offered until midnight was too enticing. Inside her backpack was her dinner, an egg sandwich she had prepared in her dormitory that morning. Odessa began to feel the jolt of caffeine through the tremors in her hands two hours into studying when she saw from her periphery a medium-built man slowly approach her. A few seconds later, he stood in front of her, clearing his throat in short, tentative bursts. Odessa glanced up, both annoyed and relieved at the interruption.
Odessa could not tell whether he was in his late thirties or forties. Odessa thought that he could be someone who worked in the corporate world or a junior consultant in a hospital a block away from the café, judging from the crisp, collared shirt tucked into creaseless khaki pants he wore. The man placed a saucer of ensaymada on top of Odessa’s table in silence. The pudgy fingers of his left hand hooked the handle of his cup.
“You must be hungry. I have been watching you from afar.” His voice was sonorous; each word enunciated slowly.
Odessa could not decide whether to feel flattered from this rare display of conviviality from a stranger or to run away from this predator while there was still time.
“Don’t be afraid. I come in peace.” Odessa glanced at him. He had thick wavy hair that fell randomly across his forehead, as if he had more important things to do than spend time in front of the mirror. His face was round, rather than angular, lending a certain bear-like gentleness that would likely make people instantly trust him. Odessa’s eyes met his: he had deep-set eyes that seemed to easily turn into slits when something amused him, eyes that could stare intently when in full concentration.
It was because of those eyes that made Odessa decide to allow him to sit with her in the café. The man’s name was Miguel. He was an interventional cardiologist who had been practicing for three years. He told Odessa he had just performed a difficult angioplasty on a young patient who had chest pains earlier that day before coming to the café.
Because Odessa was new to this experience, she did not know how to act or react. Odessa recalled how flattered she had been, being the recipient of such attention from the opposite gender, that her guardedness immediately turned into temerity. Odessa thought now that it could only have been the novelty of experience or disinhibition, much like being inebriated from several glasses of prosecco or Chianti, that made her accept anything from a person she just met. It could have been the weight of responsibility on her shoulders to perform well in the examination the next day that she felt she needed a temporary distraction or Miguel’s learned ability to engage in casual conversations. Odessa thought decidedly it had been because of Miguel’s propensity to elicit information from people, as his profession required of him, that made her trust him so much to reveal, in the latter part of the evening when they lay on a bed in a red-walled room full of mirrors, her secret ambition, something that she had not told Nina or even her mother: to work as a scientist abroad.
Odessa graduated summa cum laude several weeks after meeting Miguel. He was unable to attend her graduation ceremony because of an emergency procedure he told her he could not delay for another day. At that time, his absence in her milestone did not bother her. What she recalled was how proud her mother had been during the ceremony. Right after graduation, Odessa got into an internship program in the molecular laboratory of the University of the Philippines National Institutes of Health. For six months, she and Miguel would only meet from time to time, their dates always carefully planned two weeks in advance. Miguel hated spontaneity; Odessa soon learned that about him. He requested that calls should always be preceded by text messages, that there be no texts or calls after dinner. They watched movies in the cinema, movies far from being blockbusters. They ate in hole-in-the-wall restaurants with only a few diners.
“I hate crowded places,” Miguel once told her.
Whether it was because of Odessa’s fear of disrupting their equilibrium or her fear that Miguel might think she demanded too much, Odessa ignored the occasional feeling that something was not quite right, especially when Miguel had to rush home in the evening. Days before their meetups, she was always feverish with anticipation. Each date with Miguel, especially when they were alone in a room, no matter how brief, made her delirious with joy that she rejected any suspicion.
“I need to sleep early, hon. I must be in the hospital early every day,” Miguel explained as he put his pants back on when once she asked why their set-up was such. “I know you’re also busy focusing on your training. I don’t like you to be distracted.” He kissed her lightly on the cheek, a little longer than usual. Odessa tingled at the touch of his lips, the warmth of his breath on her ear as he slowly drew back. She never brought up the topic again.
During those six months, not once did Miguel fetch Odessa from work nor did he bring her home. He never met Nina or Odessa’s mother, even if Nina insisted on more than one occasion on wanting to meet him. When Miguel told Odessa about his mother’s upcoming 60th birthday while they lay naked on a bed with only a thin, white blanket covering them, Odessa asked him as she stroked his forearm what she was supposed to wear. Miguel told her that it was an intimate party limited only to family members. Odessa hid her disappointment and changed the topic quickly. There seemed to be a cover of thick fog surrounding him that Odessa found difficult to penetrate but later, something she accepted with reluctance. While she and Nina occasionally talked about Nina’s relationship with her boyfriend, the subject of relationships was something she and her mother rarely discussed. Odessa never met her father. Her mother had mentioned once when she was in grade school that he lived in another house, that he had his own family. It took several years for Odessa to realize what her mother had meant.
“Are you sure you’re the only one in his life?” Nina joked one afternoon when she and Odessa met for lunch at a restaurant. Nina married her boyfriend in college right after graduation. She was then eight months pregnant with their first child. Odessa paled slightly. What Nina implied had crossed Odessa’s mind several times but she had shrugged it off. Odessa rationalized that Miguel was just a busy man who spent most of his time saving lives. What extra time he had, Odessa was certain he spent with her.
“Of course. He’s a respectable doctor. Why would he want to ruin his own reputation?” Odessa spoke calmly, twirled her spaghetti noodles slowly on her fork.
“Well, you never know. Men nowadays…I have a cousin who just filed an annulment after she discovered that her husband has been having an affair with an officemate in a BPO company. Good thing they don’t have any children. But I trust you, Odessa. You’re intelligent. You know better.”
“Thank you. I know you’re just looking out for me. Anyway, I will meet him tomorrow in the café where we first met. He said there’s something we need to discuss. It is quite strange, you know. He usually plans our dates early. This is the first time we will meet on short notice.” Odessa talked to Miguel on the telephone the night before and she felt there was something amiss. There were no cracks in his voice or pauses longer than necessary, but she felt a sense of foreboding at this rare show of spontaneity and urgency.
“Just be careful, Odessa. You know you’re like a sister to me. If only I have the extra energy to ask around, but going out of the house already feels like a chore,” Nina laid her hand on her swollen belly.
The following day, Odessa stepped into the café with the same unsettling feeling of the night before. It was late afternoon, and the café was full when she entered, but she spotted Miguel at once. He sat in the corner where they had first met. She recognized him even if his back faced her from the entrance. Slowly she walked towards him, sat in the empty chair across the small table without saying a word.
Miguel remained seated and looked at her. She returned his gaze before shifting it to the empty table. His eyes that usually crinkled at the corners seemed glassy. Beneath them were faint shadows that contrasted with his pale complexion. He cleared his throat as if wanting to fill the void.
“Do you want anything to eat or drink?” he asked as he craned his neck to look for the waiter.
“I don’t have any appetite right now.”
He ordered for her, anyway: cappuccino with an extra shot of espresso. He ordered iced Americano for himself.
“There is something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
Odessa had a sinking feeling she could not explain. Her heart began to pound, her temples throbbed.
Miguel’s clasped hands lay on top of the table. Odessa could not look at his face this time. As she bent her head down, she caught the glint of gold on one of his fingers. She had never seen him wear any piece of jewelry except for a wristwatch in the months that she had known him. Her prying eyes tried to meet his, but he sat still, his head bowed as if in silent prayer or deep contemplation. She fixed her eyes on the ring. The fog then began to clear. She tried to look at him but his head was turned away. Odessa felt a wave of heat slowly rising to her face.
Minutes later, Odessa watched the waiter place their drinks on the table. Her mouth felt dry that she took one sip too fast. Her tongue singed. Her hands trembled as she put the cup down, spilling some of the coffee on the table.
Miguel must have understood that she now knew.
“I am sorry, Odessa. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“How long has it been?” Odessa raised her voice slightly, her tongue still hurting from the scald.
“Two years.” Miguel’s voice faltered. He took a sip through the straw, his eyes on his drink. His eyes remained downcast. “She took a test this morning after being delayed for one week. Positive…”
Odessa swallowed. She took another sip of her coffee. Then another. Her coffee started to get cold.
“Damn it! How could you do this to me, Miguel?” Odessa spoke in a loud voice that was surprisingly steady. “Jeez, all this time…You made me your…” Behind her thick glasses, her eyes threatened to brim with tears.
“I’m sorry, Odessa.”
“What are you meeting me here for? To absolve yourself of guilt?”
“I just wanted to say goodbye,” Miguel said in a listless voice.
“How could you have been so stupid?” Despite the smooth jazz music playing through the speakers, Odessa’s raised voice became so audible that some of the customers turned to look at them.
“I wish I had met you earlier.” He put Odessa’s hand in his chest, but she drew it quickly away. She could not bear to feel the warmth of his hand even if her own had already turned cold.
“I never had any intention of hurting you. Please take care of yourself, Odessa. Promise me you would.” Miguel looked at his watch then motioned to the waiter for their bill. “I’m sorry but I must head back to the hospital now.”
Odessa tried to stand but her knees betrayed her. Miguel went to her side and put his arm around her back. She tried to regain her footing, but she could not. They walked to the door, his arm still around her. As they went out of the café, Odessa felt every pair of eyes on them, but she did not care, she just wanted to get out of the place as quickly as possible.
Once they were outside, Odessa jerked Miguel’s arm away. In front of the café was a busy intersection. Determined to get away, Odessa crossed the street when the traffic light was green. When she reached the other side, Odessa looked at the sun slightly hidden behind low-lying clouds, appearing distant and small at the edge of the bay.
Odessa never looked back. She had no idea whether Miguel had waited for her to cross the street, or whether he had followed her. She kept on walking until she reached the jeepney terminal. That was the last time she ever saw him.
Nina told her earlier this year that she read in the newspaper about Miguel’s death from a massive heart attack.
“He was busy fixing others’ hearts, yet he could not even fix his own,” Nina quipped.
Odessa had read once in a book by Jeanette Winterson that every time one makes an important choice, the part of oneself left behind continues the other life one could have had.
For a moment, Odessa thought of possibilities had that particular day in the café not happened: the daily strolls they could have taken by the promenade after work, the image of them together wandering past the crowd to see the water break through secluded rocks, the many days bearing witness to the setting sun, of her inevitable walking—alone in the gloaming.
When the traffic began to ease, the van roared past the towering gray structures that faced the brackish and fetid waters of the bay, past the imposing edifices built over the years that Odessa just then, looking through the window, saw for the first time. With the sun yet to rise higher and higher in the cloudless sky that morning, Odessa could see that the shadows were longer and sharper.
Odessa never told her mother about Miguel for she felt he was a matter of inconsequence. Odessa did not want to burden her with all the details. She regarded him as a fleeting shadow who never really existed. Odessa brought her mother with her to Italy for good, when Odessa was granted permanent tenure in the genome center.
When she reached the venue of the lecture, Odessa squared her shoulders and walked past the door, her head held as high as possible.
“Ladies and gentlemen, our Guest of Honor…”
As Odessa made her way to the stage, she scanned the faces of the audience. She saw the eager faces of students waiting for her to talk on the latest advancement in human genome, the unique genetic blueprint of humanity. She caught sight of a lanky young woman wearing thick glasses in the aisle seat of the front row. In her right hand was a pen and in her left, a small spiral notebook. As she walked, the young woman turned to her. The young woman’s blazing eyes met hers. Odessa immediately knew her kind.
When Odessa reached the podium, she adjusted the angle of the microphone beside the laptop. Before speaking, she looked at the crowd and saw the young woman uncap her pen, poised as if to write. Odessa gave a tentative smile, the creases around her eyes and mouth deepening as her confidence grew. Her voice slowly rose above the crowd.