Roel alighted the taxi he took from Ulaanbaatar’s train station to his guest house. He immediately felt the biting chill of the city’s subzero temperature. He took out a bonnet and a down jacket from his backpack. He put on the gloves he tucked into his pocket for extra warmth. He took out a wad of bills he withdrew from an ATM at the station. He found the number of zeroes of the Mongolian Tögrög confusing. He was unsure if he was paying too much or too little. He didn’t want to be ripped off by the taxi driver. He handed 10,000 Tögrög to the driver and got back 4,000. He didn’t bother converting to Philippine Peso and went straight to the door. He rang the alarm and was let in.
Roel didn’t love his job but was comfortable as the marketing manager of a medium-sized outsourcing company in Makati. He gritted his teeth, stayed up late for clients, and launched successful campaigns that earned the trust of his superiors. His job paid the bills and gave him enough disposable income to enjoy. He planned on settling down with his girlfriend, Rowena. However, it was something he had to put on hold. He didn’t want to quit his job to travel the world like those people he saw on YouTube and Instagram. However, he accumulated enough leaves to go on vacation for three weeks. His boss approved his time off and encouraged it. He saw that Roel often stayed a few extra hours at the office but seemed distracted and tired during meetings.
He knew he needed a vacation, a time to disconnect, to think. His research led him to Mongolia because it seemed like a remote place where he could disappear for a few days in the steppes and the desert. The country was still in Asia and Filipinos didn’t need a visa to enter. He would only be around strangers, his thoughts, and nature.
The bungalow-like accommodation was on the 3rd floor of an apartment building with seven rooms, two bathrooms and toilets, a living room with an old couch, and a small dining room and kitchen. The owner greeted him in her makeshift office in one of the rooms in the guest house. She had a round face, almond-shaped eyes with crow’s feet, and her shoulder-length hair in a ponytail. She smiled in a matter-of-fact way, like she would at any guest. When she saw his passport, she told him there was a Filipino couple that stayed here a few weeks ago just before winter. She told him he arrived just in time, there would be four other guests arriving in a few days that wanted to do the same tour to the Gobi Desert. Roel was relieved he didn’t have to pay the full price of traveling alone. He would save some money because of the shared expenses with others.
Roel had time to explore Mongolia’s capital while waiting for his companions. It was his first time in a city that had temperatures well below zero. He tried to think of close comparisons to the Philippines, but he failed. The temperatures he experienced during every trip to Baguio felt summery compared to what he felt in Ulaanbaatar. Roel looked at the few who walked outdoors. He saw a couple with a toddler walking into a supermarket. He wondered what life would be like as a father. He thought of names he would give his son such as Roel Jr., Mark Jose or names he would give his daughter such as Maria, Rowena or Angela.
A cold breeze that pierced Roel’s jacket and long-sleeved thermal shirt disrupted his ruminations. It sent a shiver down his spine, which made him hurry into the nearby mall. As soon as he entered, he realized that he only ate a small ham sandwich during the train ride hours ago. The mall reminded him of a smaller version of SM with unfamiliar brands in their department store. Men, women, and families with their children in tow walked about scanning the clothes, pants, socks, and jackets on display.
He remembered the times Rowena and he would go to malls shopping for clothes and shoes. Roel would know exactly what he needed and went straight to his favorite brands and spent not more than 30 minutes trying them on and paying for his items. Rowena would spend more than an hour taking clothes and shoes off the rack, trying them on, and then eventually returning them before trying other items. Remembering these small details put a smile on Roel’s face, even if he sometimes joked about the number of dresses Rowena already had and she would often roll her eyes when he made these comments. He looked for a restaurant that served Mongolian food but only found Japanese, Korean, and fast-food kiosks. The last thing he wanted to eat at that moment was a hamburger. After warming up, Roel decided to walk out into the street again and look for a local place to eat.
He took out a tourist map he got from the guesthouse and looked for the market. The cold air was manageable again as he walked along the sidewalk. Ulaanbaatar was a capital city, but it was smaller than Metro Manila. It felt like Quezon City was bigger Roel thought as he walked towards the market. There were blocks of high-rise buildings mixed with restaurants, bars, museums, and residential and dilapidated houses on the outskirts. Roel was mindful of the traffic and other pedestrians, but his mind was elsewhere. He couldn’t help but think of Rowena and how he left her. They often planned and had separate trips because they both knew they had their own friends and interests, but this was different.
Roel didn’t realize he was already at the entrance of the market. Growing up in Metro Manila made him aware of his surroundings, especially in markets and crowded places. He didn’t take all his money with him. He only brought one credit card and a few thousand Tögrög to cover basic expenses. He kept his phone and wallet in the inner pocket of his jacket. A few Mongolians took glances at him, but after a while they didn’t mind him at all, he became just another tourist they could sell their wares to. Roel walked through rows of makeshift tents that had woolen jackets, bonnets, gloves, boots, saddles, pants, shirts, stoves, and all sorts of knick-knacks on display. After wandering around the market, Roel found a canteen. The menu was in Cyrillic and the lady serving the food didn’t speak English. Roel pointed at familiar looking dishes and took his tray and plates to a nearby table. He took a sip of the soup and a bite of the mutton. He dipped the bread in the bowl and took another bite. He saw a couple walk in with a concerned look on their faces. They sat a few tables away from him and in silence. Roel eyed them without staring. He wondered what was on their minds. Has their relationship stagnated? Were they dealing with a miscarriage? Were they affectionate enough to each other? These questions swirled in his head as he tried to mind his own business. Roel finished his meal and walked back to the guesthouse.
Roel lay awake in bed. The below zero temperature seeped into his room. He felt chilly despite turning on the heater and the blanket he covered himself with. He turned on his phone’s Wi-Fi and browsed Facebook and Instagram. He looked at the profiles of the women he found attractive at work; some of them were single and some were married. He looked at their pictures and watched their videos. They all seemed elated with their partners and children. He felt jealous at all the things he saw. He kept thinking that those couples could’ve been them. He then went to Rowena’s Facebook page and browsed the pictures. He saw their photos together, the lunch and dinner dates, the outings, and the random moments. He saw that she was online and called her through messenger.
“Hello,” Rowena said.
“You’re still awake,” Roel replied.
“What time is it there?”
“Around the same time as the Philippines. It’s freezing here, temperatures are often below zero even in the morning.”
“It’s definitely not like Baguio for sure,” Rowena replied.
“No, it’s not,” Roel smiled at the screen despite not having his video on.
“How was your day?” he continued.
“The usual, was at work, luckily it was one of those days that I didn’t work overtime,” she replied.
“I’ll be going to the Gobi Desert in a few days. I’m just waiting for a few more people to arrive so I could save some money by joining a group. I’ll be off the grid for a few days, but I’ll send photos and maybe some videos once I can.”
They said their goodbyes and good nights. However, Roel felt the distance between them, and it wasn’t just geographical. There were too many silences and breaks. They were both evasive and beat around the bush with small talk. Roel drifted to sleep with Rowena’s voice lingering in his ears.
Rowena turned to Roel in bed and asked, “What do you think of having a baby?”
Roel had heard this hypothetical question a couple of times during the span of their relationship. He gave his usual answer of “It would be great; I’d love to be a father. But I don’t think we’re financially ready yet. We have to plan for her or his education and care and all those other things that parents do.”
Before Roel could say more, Rowena put her index finger on his lips gently and smiled. She kissed him on the forehead and put her arm around his chest. “Don’t spoil my daydream. We can just let things happen every now and then.” Rowena rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes.
Roel met his companions on the day of their departure for the Gobi Desert. A French couple and two friends from the Netherlands greeted him as they waited in the guest house’s living room. Roel initially assumed the two Dutch friends were a couple. He thought it was unusual for a man and a woman to travel alone together. He bought extra liters of water and some snacks for the trip. The owner introduced them to their driver/guide/cook. His name was Arban, he was a burly man with a friendly face and spoke little or no English. She told them about their itinerary, the stops they would take, shops they can visit along the way for supplies, and the camping sites they would stay in. He would be carrying a satellite phone for their trip. He would use this to stay in touch with the owner and the hosts or whenever an emergency would arise. He knew the destinations like the back of his hand, but the van still had its own GPS system. They would be staying in a ger, a traditional Mongolian home with a host family. It was the kind of experience he only read about or seen on TV or YouTube.
Roel has camped before with either his friends or his girlfriend Rowena. Their group would often drive or rent a boat to Masasa Beach, Fortune Island or Mt. Batulao in Batangas and pitch a tent where it was allowed. They would bring corned beef, tuna, hotdogs or anything they could barbecue along with some cans or bottles of beer. These memories crossed his mind as they loaded the retrofitted Soviet-era van with their things. It began to snow, flakes landed on Roel’s jacket and bonnet. They all boarded the van and said goodbye to the owner.
The customized inside of the van provided the passengers with extra leg room. Roel was the shortest among the men and was only slightly taller than the women. The seats faced each other and had extra padding for a more comfortable ride. It was properly insulated to keep the passengers and driver warm despite the subzero temperatures outside. The van drove out of Ulaanbaatar, the city receded in the background and the steppes extended as far as their eyes could see. They couldn’t tell the difference between the white of the sky and the snow and ice covering the landscape.
The group exchanged pleasantries and introduced themselves. The Dutch friends were Stefan and Odveigh, and the French couple was Charles and Marion. Charles and Marion had been together for five years. They were both project managers but decided to quit their jobs to travel around Asia. They were traveling by land to China and decided to spend a few weeks in Mongolia. As Roel listened to the couple tell their story, he couldn’t help imagining he and Rowena listening to the story. However, they had responsibilities and jobs to attend to; investments for the future, bills to pay, parents to take care of, and plans for a life together. He thought they couldn’t just drop everything and leave everything on a whim. He looked back at his younger days just after graduation. He tried to think of a life without Rowena; the freedom to do whatever he wanted, go wherever he wanted to go, and meet other women. He let these thoughts fill in his mind before he diverted his attention to their other two companions.
Stefan and Odveigh just graduated from the same high school. They worked all sorts of jobs at McDonald’s, specialty shops, and retail outlets to save enough money for their gap year. Roel listened jealously, he thought about the freedom of having a strong passport and a strong currency to travel at a young age. He grew up in a middle-class family but couldn’t afford to travel outside the Philippines without his parents. He looked back at his life as a young student in the university.
A common friend introduced Roel to Rowena at his insistence. He was smitten the first time he saw her when he was a college sophomore. They were batch mates and took business administration but were not from the same block. She had jet black shoulder-length hair, dark eyes, a small sharp nose, and brown complexion. He tried to act cool and collected whenever she was around, but he embarrassed himself a few times trying to impress her. He spilled Coke on her jeans once and he tried to help her with algebra but gave many wrong answers. They became close friends as their social circles intertwined.
Roel looked out the window, he saw only the road and snow, with a hint of the mountains or clouds in the distance. He wanted the white expanse to occupy his mind, but its barrenness filled him with memories he left behind. It tinged his recollections with colors, the red of the roses he would often send to Rowena, the navy blue of her favorite dress, and the maroon of her lipstick. The frenetic pace of the city and its chaotic buildings were no longer there to distract him. He saw Marion lean and sleep on Charles’ shoulder. Charles took his phone out and took selfies while his girlfriend slept.
Roel remembered the first road trip he had with Rowena, when she was officially his girlfriend. They had recently been regularized in their respective jobs. They both told their parents that friends were coming with them, but they planned to go on their own. Roel couldn’t take his father’s car so they took the bus to Baguio that departed from Cubao. It was a long weekend. Lines snaked out into the sidewalk for passengers buying tickets or boarding outbound buses. They arrived early enough to get tickets as other passengers that arrived later than them left disappointed or had to wait until the next day. One of the reasons Roel loved Rowena was because she was game, she didn’t mind roughing it out. She was also independent, she could’ve just asked for a recommendation from her uncles or aunts to get a job after graduation. However, she didn’t want any shortcuts. She submitted resumes and went to interviews until she got into a PR firm.
He let her sit on the window seat because she liked the views. She often looked out the window whenever they would go on long drives to Batangas. While on the bus, they would listen to songs from the Eraserheads, Bamboo, Rivermaya, Freestyle or whatever suited their mood. They would also sit in silence, with their hands intertwined. They would drift in and out of sleep until they reached their destination.
Roel stirred out of his dream-like reverie when the van stopped. Arban told them they had arrived at their first stop. Roel looked outside, the landscape covered in snow. Rock formations jutted out of the ground draped in white. They alighted the van and immediately felt the cold wrap their bodies. The snow fell stronger in the wilderness than in the city. Arban motioned to them to follow him up a hill. They walked gingerly up the jagged edges. Roel felt like he was on another planet, Mars perhaps or somewhere closer like the moon. They stood atop the hill with an overlooking view of the landscape. The wind blew stronger, but as they looked at the vast steppes and rock formations with no visible sign of civilization as far as their eyes could see, nature made them feel small, made their problems seem insignificant.
Arban drove them to a spot that seemed like it was in the middle of nowhere. However, as they drove closer, they saw five gers as white as the snow of the landscape. Their blue, wooden doors were their distinguishing features. Their guide took them to one of the gers. The ger looked bigger inside than on the outside. It had an old-fashioned heater that used coal and wood. It was properly insulated as it kept the cold air outside once the door was closed. It had five beds for each guest. Their host came into the ger carrying firewood and some coal. He turned the heater up and put the wood and coal inside.
Arban came in and asked them to follow him to the other ger. Their host family welcomed them. Their ger was spacious, double the size of the one they stayed in. It had a TV, four beds, a Mongolian wool carpet, and a bigger coal-fired heater. He had a wife and two boys, their cheeks chubby and rosy. They sat on chairs surrounding a small table. Arban passed around plates of pasta mixed with mutton. Their host handed them sour-tasting camel’s milk. He didn’t speak English, but his smile conveyed his hospitality. Roel saw how happy their family was and how he wanted to start his own with Rowena.
Rowena told Roel she was pregnant. His mood changed from stunned to elated, it didn’t bother him that they weren’t married yet. His initial doubts about their financial readiness vanished. The marriage would come soon. At that moment, he was going to be a father. They both slowly moved up the corporate ladder. They didn’t live together, but each they had their own place. They could raise a child and become a family. They looked for an apartment to start their family in. Both of them planned to sell or rent out their condo units to support their child and build a life savings. However, their happiness was short lived. Rowena miscarried after her first trimester. Roel rushed her to the nearest hospital on Ortigas. He spent a few nights in the hospital until she was well enough to be discharged. On the first night after the miscarriage, both lay still and silent on Rowena’s bed in her condominium.
The landscape transformed from a snowy steppe into a barren desert, rolling sand dunes replaced the hills and mountains. The group marveled at how fast the topography changed in Mongolia. Their van rumbled along until they passed by a herd of black-tailed gazelles. They saw a Mongolian camel herder guide a group of camels in the distance. Arban drove to the campsite in the desert. The host greeted them as they alighted the van, he had a round face and wore a worn-out blue robe and old boots.
After they left their things in the ger, Arban and the host brought them to the nearest sand dunes. It was late afternoon, two hours or so before sunset. The air was chilly, and patches of ice lined the pathway. Roel strained to go up the dunes because of the fine sand. The fineness of the sand dunes reminded him of some of the beaches in the Philippines. Each time he took a step up he would slide a few inches down. Marion, Stefan, Charles, Odveigh and Arban jogged up and down the dunes as if they were all children. They all looked for the perfect spot to watch the sunset. From atop one of the golden dunes, Roel could see the vastness of the Gobi Desert. He marveled at the contradictions of nature. They were in the same country but saw vastly different landscapes and temperatures within just hundreds of kilometers from each other.
Sunset arrived but it was too cloudy to see the sky turn into a fiery red and the dunes glisten in its golden hue. Roel and his companions left a bit disappointed, but nature showed enough of her beauty to keep them wanting more for the next days.
Roel and Rowena had been together for more than a decade. Roel wanted to take their relationship to the next level and planned his surprise proposal, despite the challenges they’ve been through, especially when Rowena miscarried. He told his parents and close friends about his plan but wanted to keep it a secret from Rowena. He planned on taking her to Anawangin Cove in Zambales. He told her that they were going on a road trip for their anniversary. He prepared their booking and arranged a boat for rent to take them to the island. He bought a ring and rehearsed his lines in front of a mirror before the big surprise. He imagined her saying yes before the sun set atop a hill overlooking the beach. He felt anxious on the way to Pundaquit. He glanced at Rowena staring out the window as she usually did during long drives. She absentmindedly turned the volume of the radio up. Roel kept looking at his watch and was silent for most of the trip. He hoped she wouldn’t feel his anxiety and nervousness.
Roel parked the car in front of the resort he booked. They arrived early just before lunch. The receptionist told him their boat is ready and they only had to give the go signal. They unpacked their bags and put on their swimwear. They brought food and drinks with them so that they could have lunch on the beach. Roel felt like days passed instead of hours before sunset. He would hide his nervousness with jokes and smiles. The couple would take selfies and multiple photos as they explored Anawangin. He checked his watch and saw that the sun was about to set. He invited Rowena to go up the nearby hill to watch the sunset. When they reached the top, Roel reached into the pocket of his shorts and bent down on one knee.
“Will you marry me?” he asked.
The sun was setting, the clouds behind them turned into a fiery red tinged with orange. One could hear the gentle lapping of the waves near the shore. Rowena looked at him stunned, unsure of herself. Instead of the yes Roel anticipated, he was met with silence. He waited for a no, but didn’t get a reply at all. It took a while before he got up. He was calm on the outside, but a typhoon of emotions swirled inside him. He walked back down to the boat while Rowena trailed behind him. They sat next to each other during the boat ride, but there was a desert between them. All they could hear was the sound of the boat’s engine as they returned to their resort.
Roel woke up from the nightmare and found himself covered in sweat. The ger felt stuffy and hot. He felt the urge to go out to cool himself off like he usually did during their excursion. He put on an extra layer of warm clothes and his winter jacket. He went outside and felt the cold air wrap his body. The night was bright, the sky full of stars with no city lights to darken them. He felt the soft touch of snowflakes on his face. The landscape revealed itself to him. It was snowing in the desert. Patches of white covered the sand as far as his eyes could see. It was something he only read about or saw online. He wanted to shout Rowena’s name but knew it would not even echo. He stood there until his sweat dried and made his way back to the ger.
Arban started loading supplies and bags into the van. He told the group they were returning to Ulaanbaatar with two stops along the way. The sun shone brightly. The desert landscape covered in snow just as it was the night when Roel stood outside the ger. The van’s low rumble reverberated in the silence. They drove away from the campsite and their host family waved goodbye.
Roel stared out the window. The same road they took to the campsite looked different. Snow covered the steppes, the sparse vegetation, and the rolling dunes. He thought about Rowena’s silence to his question and the subsequent days. He could’ve pressed for an answer but didn’t. Maybe she would say yes in another time. He was still a man in love and acted like one, or so he thought. He was unsure. However, he still sent Rowena flowers whenever he could. He still went to her condominium on Ortigas. She would let him in, they would talk, drink coffee or eat lunch or dinner. He thought about sending her a message and some of the photos he took, but there was no phone or Internet signal in the wilderness, only Arban’s satellite phone worked. That would have to wait, he thought, until the next town at least. Roel looked back at the campsite slowly disappearing in the background. He then looked ahead at the emptiness of the steppes.
